My Daughter and I Have a ‘Code Word’ – What Happened Yesterday Is Why You Should Have One with Your Loved Ones Too (Page 1 ) | September 6, 2024
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My baby girl usually visits her father on some weekends, but what happened this time had my heart racing. Our daughter asked to talk to me over the phone and used our code word, alerting me that she needed a way out. Here’s why having code words is an important trick to keep our kids safe. When I was a little girl, my mother taught me how to use a code word if I was in trouble and couldn’t speak up. As an adult, I decided to impart this brilliant method to my baby girl. I figured she could use it to get out of sleepovers or if she had awkward hangouts. But I never imagined her needing to use it so soon.

So yesterday was like any other day or so I thought. As I sat in my kitchen, finishing my evening coffee, my phone rang. It was my ex-husband, Dave. Our relationship, once filled with warmth and affection, had grown strained over the years.Divorce had a way of doing that, and while we tried to maintain a civil relationship for the sake of our daughter, Amy, things were often tense. “Hey, Claire,” Dave’s voice came through, slightly hesitant. “Amy wants to talk to you. She’s been asking to tell you about her day since she got here.”This caught me off guard. Amy usually enjoyed her sleepover weekends with her dad and rarely called me during those visits. “Oh, sure, put her on,” I replied, trying to keep my voice steady. The fact that Dave sounded a bit off only added to the unease that was beginning to settle in my stomach. “Hi, Mom!” Amy’s voice was as cheerful as ever, but there was something in the way she spoke that I couldn’t quite place. This was unusual for her, so I perked up and listened intently. “Hey, sweetie! How’s your weekend going? Have you been having fun?” I asked, hoping to keep the conversation light. “Yeah, it’s been good. We went to the park yesterday, and I drew some pictures this morning. I drew a dog, a tree, and… I wish I had a blue marker so I could draw blueberries.” The words hit me like a ton of bricks! There it was: our code word. My heart skipped a beat, and for a moment, I couldn’t find my voice. Among her childish chatter, Amy had dropped in our “password.” When my daughter was younger, I taught her the importance of having a secret word. It was something she could use if she ever felt unsafe but couldn’t voice it outright. “Blueberries” was our word, but I never imagined she would actually use it. I swallowed hard and forced myself to stay calm because the word means “get me out of here immediately.” “That sounds great, honey. I’m on my way to come get you. Please don’t say anything to your father. I’ll talk to him when I get there.”“Did you have anything else you wanted to tell me?” “No, that’s it,” she replied, her tone still sweet but carrying an undertone of something else; fear? Uncertainty? I couldn’t be sure, but I knew one thing: I had to get her out of there. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” I said as nonchalantly as possible. “Okay, Mom. Love you.” “Love you too, my Amy Wamy.” I heard her giggle as I hung up the phone, my hands trembling. My mind raced as I tried to figure out what could have happened. Dave had never given me any reason to doubt his ability to care for our daughter, but something was clearly wrong. I grabbed my keys, my mind made up. I had to go to my ex’s place and get Amy. When I finally arrived, I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. To my surprise, it wasn’t Dave who answered, but a woman I didn’t recognize. She looked at me with a mixture of curiosity and annoyance. “Can I help you?” she asked, her tone clipped. “I’m here to pick up my daughter,” I said, doing my best to keep my voice steady. “Is Dave home?”“He’s just gone out to run some quick errands,” she replied, crossing her arms. “But Amy’s inside. Who are you?” “I’m Claire, Amy’s mom,” I said, my patience wearing thin. “And you are?” The woman’s expression didn’t soften. “I’m Lisa. Dave’s girlfriend. We’ve been living together for a few weeks now.” I blinked, taken aback. Dave had never mentioned that he had a girlfriend, let alone that she had moved in. Why hadn’t Amy said anything about this before? But now wasn’t the time for questions. I needed to get my daughter out of there. “Well, Lisa, I just remembered that Amy has a doctor’s appointment early in the morning, and there are some things we need to go through before then,” I lied, forcing a smile. “I totally forgot to mention it to Dave. I’m just going to take her, and I’ll bring her back later.” Lisa didn’t seem convinced, but she didn’t argue either. “Fine, but I’ll let Dave know.” “Of course,” I said, stepping past her into the house. Amy was sitting on the couch, her small frame curled up as she colored in a book. When she saw me, her face lit up, but I could see the relief in her eyes.“Hi, sweetie,” I said, trying to keep things light. “We need to go to prepare for the doctor tomorrow, remember?” Amy nodded and stood up, clutching her book to her chest. She didn’t say a word as she followed me out of the house. Lisa watched us go, her eyes narrowing, but she didn’t stop us. Once we were in the car and driving away, I glanced over at my daughter. “You okay, baby?” I asked gently. At first, Amy nodded, but then, as the tension of the situation melted away, she began to cry. She tried to speak between gasps. “Mom, Lisa… Lisa is mean to me when Dad isn’t around.”“What do you mean, sweetie?” I asked, my heart breaking. “She says things,” Amy continued, tears streaming down her face. “She says I’m annoying and that I shouldn’t be there. She told me that if I told Dad, he wouldn’t believe me because I’m just a kid. She said I should stay in my room and not bother them.” The anger that flared up inside me was almost blinding! How dare this woman, who had no right to be in my daughter’s life, treat her this way? “Amy, you did the right thing by telling me. I’m so proud of you,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. “You don’t ever have to be around her again if you don’t want to. I’ll talk to your dad, and we’ll figure this out, okay?”Amy nodded, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “Okay, Mom.” When we got home, I gave Amy a big hug and let her know how much I loved her. Then, once she settled in her room with her favorite stuffed animal, I picked up my phone and called Dave. He answered on the third ring. “Hey, Claire, did something happen? I just got home, and Lisa said you came by and took Amy?” “Yes, something happened,” I said, unable to keep the anger out of my voice. “Amy used our code word today, Dave. She wanted to leave because Lisa has been saying awful things to her when you’re not around.” There was a long silence on the other end of the line. “What? That can’t be right… Lisa wouldn’t—” “She did, Dave. Amy was in tears by the time we got in the car. She’s scared of your girlfriend, and she didn’t know how to tell you, so she told me the only way she could.” “Claire, I’m sorry. I had no idea. I’ll talk to Lisa. This isn’t okay.” “No, it’s not,” I said, my voice softening. “But what’s more important is Amy. She’s the one we need to be thinking about.”“You’re right,” Dave said, sounding more defeated than I’d ever heard him. “I’ll handle it. I promise.” After we hung up, I sat on the couch, feeling emotionally drained. This wasn’t how I’d imagined my weekend going, but I was glad that Amy felt safe enough to use our code word. It was a small thing, but it had made all the difference. Then and there, I decided my little girl had to get a phone. I knew technology could be damaging to her development, but believed she could use it to text me and it would come in handy. As I sat down on the couch, reflecting on everything that had happened, I realized just how crucial it was for other parents to have something similar in place. That code word gave my Amy a way to reach out without feeling exposed or vulnerable.It also allowed me to step in before things escalated further. But, the code word is not just about picking any random word; there are a few important rules to keep in mind to ensure that you choose a good “password.”First of all, never use common words, ones that might come up frequently in everyday conversation. The last thing you want is for the word to be mentioned casually and cause unnecessary alarm. These are words that others can easily guess like “school,” “birthday,” colors, and such. It shouldn’t be something obvious. Secondly, consider a phrase if your child is old enough to remember it. A short, memorable phrase or a combination of two words can add an extra layer of security. It should be something that wouldn’t be easily guessed by others but is still easy for your child to recall. Phrases like “sunshine forest,” “dancing penguin,” “blue apple,” and more. It’s best to test it out to ensure your child can recall it easily even under different circumstances, like when she’s stressed or calm. Rule number three is to role-play scenarios with your child. Practice using the code word in various situations so they understand exactly when and how to use it. This will help them feel confident and prepared if they ever need to use it. The experience we had was a powerful reminder of how such a simple plan could make a big difference. I hope that by sharing our story, more parents will consider creating a code word with their children. It might just be the tool they need in a critical moment.

Next: “I didn’t want my kids to grow up around a parent who’s being stopped and asked for photographs all the time. They’ve been able to grow up being the stars of the household.”
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